I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
