woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
