My liver just broke up with me...
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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