I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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