I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
