I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
