Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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