i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
