you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
She tied me up with her honor cords...
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
