you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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