Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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