He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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