we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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