if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
