I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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