Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
