just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
