there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
