there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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