I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
