I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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