how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
