I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Randomize
