i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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