Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
