There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
