No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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