my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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