You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
