My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
