Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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