FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
