My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
