Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
