Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
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