before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
