It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
