OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
