she looked like the bat from fern gully.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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