I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
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