i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
