I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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