Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Randomize
