Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
