There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
