he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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