No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize
