Four minutes until I can fart!
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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