I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
