My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Randomize
